Ah, the College Board, that venerable institution of standardized testing, has once again graced us with an encore performance that only they could pull off. In the grand tradition of selling overpriced greatest hits albums that have more filler than a hot dog, they’re charging top dollar for what can best be described as their greatest flops. Yes, folks, the College Board is rocking on, but not in the way you might think. This isn’t a comeback tour—it’s more like a farewell cash grab.
Picture this: you’re a high school student, already drowning in a sea of homework, extracurriculars, and the looming specter of college applications. What’s the one thing you need to complete this perfect storm of stress? That’s right—standardized tests that cost more than your average concert ticket, all brought to you by the College Board. These tests, the SAT and AP exams, are like that band you kind of liked in high school, but now you’re wondering why you ever spent money on their merch.
Let’s break it down: the SAT, that old warhorse, is essentially a four-hour endurance test designed to make you question your life choices. It’s the Stairway to Heaven of exams—long, overhyped, and once you get into it, you realize you were better off just listening to the radio. And then there are the AP exams—Advanced Placement for those who want to feel superior without actually being able to use those credits in college. They’re the B-sides of the College Board’s discography: technically impressive but mostly just there to fill space.
Now, you might wonder, why are these tests considered flops? Well, it’s because the College Board has turned them into a lucrative business model that would make even the most shameless record label executive blush. They’re charging a small fortune for tests that, quite frankly, are losing their relevance faster than you can say, “Hey, aren’t colleges going test-optional now?” But that doesn’t stop the College Board from acting like they’re selling out stadiums, when in reality, they’re more like a cover band playing in a half-empty dive bar.
And let’s talk about the prices, shall we? The College Board has perfected the art of charging classic hits prices for their test-taking experience. Want to take the SAT? That’ll be $55, please. Oh, you want the essay section too? That’s an extra $15. Need to send your scores to more than four colleges? That’s another $12 per school. It’s the Hotel California of fees—you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave without your wallet feeling significantly lighter.
As for the AP exams, they’re the perfect example of how to sell a product that’s all sizzle and no steak. Each exam costs about $97, and if you’re taking multiple exams, well, you might as well start selling your old textbooks to afford it. And what do you get for your money? A score that may or may not be accepted by your future college. It’s like buying concert tickets to see a band that might not even show up—and if they do, they’re just going to play their new stuff that nobody cares about.
But here’s the kicker: despite the College Board’s insistence on their relevance, more colleges are going test-optional or test-blind, rendering these exams about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Schools are starting to realize that a student’s ability to regurgitate information under timed conditions isn’t exactly the best indicator of future success. And yet, the College Board keeps cranking out these tests like they’re the greatest hits of the 70s, 80s, and today.
So why do students keep shelling out money for these tests? Part of it is the fear of missing out on a chance to impress college admissions officers, and part of it is the relentless marketing machine that is the College Board. They’ve managed to convince generations of students and parents that these tests are essential, when in reality, they’re more like the obligatory drum solo at a rock concert—something you endure, not enjoy.
In the end, the College Board is like that aging rock star who refuses to retire. They keep playing their greatest flops, hoping that people will still pay for the nostalgia. But as more and more people realize that they don’t need to pay top dollar for an outdated experience, the College Board might find themselves playing to an empty room. And maybe, just maybe, they’ll finally stop charging classic hits prices for what’s essentially a collection of their most forgettable tracks.
So here’s the takeaway: if you’re a student staring down the barrel of a standardized test, remember that you’re not alone. You’re part of a long line of people who’ve been subjected to the College Board’s greatest flops. But don’t worry—just like every other overpriced album, this too shall pass. And when it does, you’ll be free to enjoy the greatest hits of life without the College Board taking center stage. Rock on, indeed.
