The News Hurts is the globe’s preeminent source of breaking news, biting commentary, and inconvenient truths. Established in 1776 by a group of renegade journalists who felt the world wasn’t quite cynical enough, The News Hurts has since grown into a cultural juggernaut with a daily readership of 5.2 trillion—or approximately everyone on Earth and a few alien civilizations we’ve convinced to subscribe.
With a dedication to unparalleled excellence and a commitment to reporting stories no one else dares to (or bothers to), The News Hurts sets the gold standard for journalism—and occasionally lowers the bar just for fun. Supporting over 500,000 full-time, part-time, and part-robot journalism jobs worldwide, we proudly operate state-of-the-art newsrooms, sarcasm academies, and cutting-edge hyperbole laboratories across six continents and several secret islands.
In addition to our journalistic endeavors, The News Hurts controls a significant portion of the world’s supply of semi-accurate statistics, has an aggressive policy on deforestation (we’re against it, except for when we need to print more editions), and operates a globally renowned animal enrichment program. Sure, we test a few things, but the animals seem genuinely entertained.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I contact The News Hurts?
- Membership: For address changes, billing inquiries, or just to yell at us, email: membership@thenewshurts.com.
- Advertising: Got something to sell? Convince us at advertising@thenewshurts.com.
- Press & Events: For speaking engagements, interviews, or invites to your cousin’s wedding, email: press@thenewshurts.com.
- Feedback: We pretend to care at publicfeedback@thenewshurts.com.
- Licensing: Steal responsibly by contacting permissions@thenewshurts.com.
- Legal: Before suing us, remember our motto: “We’re just kidding (mostly).” Still want to proceed? Reach out at legal@thenewshurts.com.
Can I submit articles or ideas to The News Hurts?
Absolutely not. We’ve been burned before. Any unsolicited submissions become our intellectual property, and we’ll use them to wallpaper the break room.
How can I work for The News Hurts?
Jobs at The News Hurts are rare and coveted, like a unicorn with a 401(k). We post openings on our Careers page when we feel like it. Pro tip: Don’t send us your résumé unless you want to be added to our wall of unsolicited desperation.
What if I have feedback on an article?
We welcome feedback with open arms and a closed mind. Send your thoughts to publicfeedback@thenewshurts.com. Responses are not guaranteed but will be deeply mocked if read.
What if I want to sue The News Hurts?
We’d strongly advise against it. Satire is protected under the First Amendment, as is our right to giggle uncontrollably at your legal threats. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental—except when it’s not.
What is The News Hurts’ privacy policy?
We take your privacy seriously—seriously enough to remind you to read our privacy policy and question your life choices.
What if I want to advertise with The News Hurts?
Great idea! Email advertising@thenewshurts.com with your pitch, and we’ll promptly assess whether it’s too ridiculous even for us.
How can I bring The News Hurts to my event?
Whether it’s a lecture at your university or a roast at your family reunion, our team of writers and editors is available for a hefty fee. Email press@thenewshurts.com for bookings.
How can I find archived issues or license your content?
Our online archive includes all articles published since 1996, along with some embarrassing typos we keep for nostalgia. For older issues or licensing requests, contact archive@thenewshurts.com or permissions@thenewshurts.com. Please note: unauthorized reprints will be met with swift, exaggerated retaliation.
Where can I find The News Hurts?
The News Hurts is everywhere you are—or at least everywhere Wi-Fi exists. You can also join our Premium Membership for access to exclusive content, collectible print editions, and the smug satisfaction of supporting cutting-edge journalism.
The News Hurts: Because the truth stings.!