Well, butter my biscuits and call me a teapot, because that’s exactly what Lamars Halftime Show at the Super Bowl has turned the grand old game into – a kiddie tea soiree. I mean, really, are we supposed to be excited about a bunch of overpaid entertainers prancing about in sequined outfits, lip syncing their way through mediocre dance numbers? I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t tune in to the Super Bowl to witness a junior high talent show.
Now, I’m not one to mince words, so let’s get one thing straight. The Super Bowl is supposed to be about football, about two teams of highly trained athletes battling it out for the championship, not about halftime shows trying to outshine the main event. It’s like ordering a steak and getting a side salad that’s trying to steal the show. No one cares about the lettuce, Larry. We’re here for the meat.
But God bless America, we’ve gone off the rails. This year, instead of watching burly men tackle each other with the ferocity of wild boars, we were subjected to a spectacle that would have been more at home at a six-year-old’s birthday party. Lamars Halftime Show was a smorgasbord of glitter, unicorns, and bubblegum pop that made me question whether I’d accidentally tuned into a rerun of Barney & Friends.
The performance started off with a dance number that was about as exciting as watching paint dry. The dancers flailed around the stage like a bunch of beached jellyfish, while the lead performer attempted to sing a song that sounded like it had been written by a tone-deaf parrot. I’ve seen more talent in a karaoke bar at 2 a.m.
And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, out came the props. Now, I’m all for a good prop in a performance, but when the props start to take on a life of their own, you know you’ve crossed a line. There were giant inflatable unicorns, a rainbow slide that looked like it had been stolen from a playground, and enough confetti to fill a swimming pool. It was like the Super Bowl had been taken over by a rogue toddler’s imagination.
The performance was so saccharine, so utterly devoid of any substance, that I half expected the tooth fairy to make a guest appearance. At one point, they started throwing stuffed animals into the crowd. Stuffed animals, for crying out loud. Are we at a football game or a circus?
But perhaps the most egregious part of the whole debacle was the blatant disregard for the game of football itself. In between the dance numbers and the prop comedy, there was barely a mention of the actual game. The commentators seemed more interested in discussing the performer’s outfit changes than the score. It was as if the Super Bowl had been reduced to a sideshow, a mere backdrop to the main event of the halftime show.
Now, I understand that the Super Bowl is a spectacle, a grand display of American excess and commercialism. But can’t we at least pretend to care about the sport? Can’t we at least give the game the respect it deserves?
But no, instead we get Lamars Halftime Show, a spectacle so fluffy and insubstantial that it makes cotton candy look like a hearty meal. It’s a sad day when a football game is upstaged by a performance that would be better suited to a child’s birthday party.
So, here’s my plea to the powers that be: Next year, let’s skip the halftime show. Let’s get back to basics. Let’s focus on the game. And for the love of all that is holy, let’s leave the unicorns and the stuffed animals at home.
In the meantime, I’ll be over here, nursing my disappointment with a cold beer and reminiscing about the good old days, when the Super Bowl was about football, not a kiddie tea soiree. And if you need me, I’ll be the one yelling at the TV and cursing the day that halftime shows became more important than the game itself. Because that, my friends, is a day I’d rather forget.
